I have had very few hours of sleep since last weekend. I started the hcG diet & am hoping for good results! I don't think I'm obese or anything, but I do have my days when I feel fatter than I once was. : / It's also a big health concern. My main issue is cutting out the sugar.
Madison & I had a long talk tonight about pain. She is still hurting so badly over her ex boyfriend. She is searching for a reason he just left her. I have been there, it is the most heart shattering feeling. Throw in an innocent, amazing little baby who deserves no such abandonment, & that's where I was. Rejected, confused, depressed, angry. We women search for a reason; why would someone just dump us when we were prepared to give up our whole life for them? Did we never matter as we thought we did? Was it all lies? Did we do something wrong? What's wrong with me? What could I have done to make him stay? The bottom line - sometimes there is no reason. Life is unfair. People suck. What does not kill me can only make me stronger. It's so hard to give advice to an 18 year old girl, bawling her eyes/heart out to me. There are no words to make it better. I was there, I heard line after line from elders. Nothing but time, prayer, & distance can EVENTUALLY heal wounds. It's been 5 years & I am finally feeling no loving feelings for Dylan's dad. I prayed every night that God would just take my feelings for him away. I cried, begged. I didn't understand how he could just get over me & his son so quickly, while I was left to crumble to pieces. God has answered my prayers, as he did during my parents divorce. I can't say that I don't care about Dylan's dad, because I do care. I care that he has had no part in Dylan's life. I care that he could be so selfish to put his shitty, drunken music before his own flesh & blood. I care that he's so upset he has to pay child support, when he has had no responsibility in the past 4 years. I do not love him anymore. But I DO still care, for my baby's sake. It still hurts, on his behalf. BUT, as for myself - I deserve way better. Dylan does, too. But that is his biological father, whom he will always wonder about. I am so done with him, forever. Not just for me, but also for Dylan. There is someone out there who will be an amazing partner for me, & an amazing part of Dylan's life, who will treat both of us the way we deserve to be treated.
Madison & I continued to talk, when we got to my house, about our relationships with God. We both feel that emptiness inside of us. We pray & strive for a relationship with God that leaves us feeling content & on fire for Him. For whatever reason, it's just not happening. It's not so easy for everyone, I guess. But we just don't get it. We believe in God, we are saved, we are His. We desire a close, personal relationship with Him. We reach out to Him & recognize we cannot do this on our own. Why is it so much harder for some of us?
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Okay, so this might be like, a really lame analogy but what the hell... I lost 50lbs, in the last 5-6 months. I work out, most days. Somedays, it's soo hard, for no reason, like none. And the truth is that those are the days your body is changing the most. The next day, I can run like three miles no prob. This perspective has helped me tremendously lately. Spiritual/ emotional growth are the same, for change to occure, there is often pain/discomfort. I don't mind the pain so much, when I change my focus to the growth. I even actually appreciate it. Sometimes.
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