damn

once my lover, now my friend
what a cruel thing to pretend
what a cunning way to condescend
once my lover, and now my friend
oh you creep up like the clouds
& you set my soul at ease
then you let your love abound
& you bring me to my knees
oh it's evil babe
the way you let your grace enrapture me
when well you know I'd be insane
to ever let that dirty game recapture me
you made me a shadowboxer, baby
I wanna be ready for what you do
& I've been swinging around
cause I don't know when you're gonna make your move
oh your gaze is dangerous
& you fill your space so sweet
if I let you get too close
you'll set your spell on me
so darlin I just wanna say
just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play
I just wanted you
but oh, it's so evil my love
the way you've no reverence to my concern
so I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love
to save the pain of once my flame
& twice my burn

gonna

figure this out.

I would love it if I could settle down.

BLOOP

I don't trust people.

& I feel pretty silly about everything. oy vey.

SHTUFF

*Open, exposed
I can't escape all the glass
Guts of bugs splattered in my line of sight
My mind, my eyes
I can't make clean enough
A reflection staring back at me
On a path I didn't think I'd take
There's nothing big enough to hide behind
And I can't swallow it down fast enough
On my knees, take me back
You can paint my face, invade my soul


*Stick all the tubes back inside me
I am in pain wherever I go
I sabotage myself, I know it
These things just creep up all around me
I can feel it, never see it
Until it's too big to control
I need the security of doctors
Checking on me daily
All the pills keep my pain
Just below the surface
Lull me back to sleep
Things seem better in my dreams


*Smoldering
Who's smothering?
You let it go to a place
Where I can't take it back
And the blame just suits you
So much better
I can't relax
With all of the predicaments
Circling my head
Sedation keeps the beast at bay
I only wanted an arm to hold me up
And a pulse to fall asleep upon
But I can adjust
The drinks are poured
So I can slip away
With no thoughts at night
I hold too many burdens inside
Everyone one of them my own fault

YIKES

The past couple of months have been a huge trainwreck. I have some good memories, but I have really screwed some things up & am now trying to mend them.

Also, my feelings are pretty hurt.

UGH

I would like my own space to live in, please! I am tired of co-existing with family in one house. This is why you're suppose to move out at 18 ..... & stay out!

BALLS

I finally was able to just tell Alex I couldn't be in that relationship. He told me he'd never talk to me again, then texted me 20 times thereafter. He said I should just "go sleep with everyone" ??! & now he keeps telling me he loves me & still wants to be with me. I stopped responding last night and yet he persists. I thought things would be different because his life is soo different after being out of the hospital. He's not on drugs, he's recovering from head trauma, & yet he still freaks out on me.....

Everybody's getting on my nerves lately.

HOME

I had an interesting time in Missouri.
My throat was real sore & I couldn't stop coughing for several days before we left, so when we got there Saturday I decided to take one of my grandfather's vicodin. And 4 hours later I took another one, so I wouldn't be in pain during the special dinner for my grandfather's retirement. (It was a huge deal, my step-grandma fussed over for months & wouldn't even let us change the seating....) Taking the second was a horrible mistake that I payed for greatly. I don't know why it turned on me, seeing as I have taken pain killers in larger amounts before. But it all came crashing down right as the dinner was starting & I spent the whole night in the bathroom, puking in tights & heels. There was a wedding going on a few rooms down, so the ladies got to hear my ralphing when they took trips to the restroom. The funniest part is that when I got up to go run to the bathroom, my Nana gave me the dirtiest look. Did she want me to sit back down & barf all over the place setting??? Which would ruin the evening she had planned more? Ugh.
Worst of all, my cousins & I were gonna go to a piano bar downtown after the dinner......I missed out on that, too, seeing as I was still in agony at the condo & went to bed before the sun went down. I was so bummed I couldn't go out with them :(
Monday we took a tour of College of the Ozarks. The past few months I've been wanting to go there. Visiting the campus again, from a students' perspective, made me sure it's where I want to be. My grandpa just retired from 40 some odd years of professing various religion courses at the school. So, now's my chance to go!
I have a lot of work to do in order to make it happen though......

oh & Mother's Day was pretty good. I am so thankful to have my sweet little man in my life, no matter how difficult things have been the past few years. He's worth it all.

SORE GUM

I woke up this morning & my left ear & left side of my jaw were in soo much pain. Boooo.

Things have been stressful, however I am going out of town again this Friday. It'll be nice to see family!

CHCHCHANGE

I've lost 3 pounds in 1 day ? Awesome. I tried to start chewing nicorette yesterday, but it made me so sick. I'm gonna have to get a lesser dose, & after I'm done with the diet.
I do feel a little different.


I get to see Alex this weekend! Travelling 4 hours to get to him, for a day & a half. I can't wait.

LIFE GETS HARD

I have had very few hours of sleep since last weekend. I started the hcG diet & am hoping for good results! I don't think I'm obese or anything, but I do have my days when I feel fatter than I once was. : / It's also a big health concern. My main issue is cutting out the sugar.

Madison & I had a long talk tonight about pain. She is still hurting so badly over her ex boyfriend. She is searching for a reason he just left her. I have been there, it is the most heart shattering feeling. Throw in an innocent, amazing little baby who deserves no such abandonment, & that's where I was. Rejected, confused, depressed, angry. We women search for a reason; why would someone just dump us when we were prepared to give up our whole life for them? Did we never matter as we thought we did? Was it all lies? Did we do something wrong? What's wrong with me? What could I have done to make him stay? The bottom line - sometimes there is no reason. Life is unfair. People suck. What does not kill me can only make me stronger. It's so hard to give advice to an 18 year old girl, bawling her eyes/heart out to me. There are no words to make it better. I was there, I heard line after line from elders. Nothing but time, prayer, & distance can EVENTUALLY heal wounds. It's been 5 years & I am finally feeling no loving feelings for Dylan's dad. I prayed every night that God would just take my feelings for him away. I cried, begged. I didn't understand how he could just get over me & his son so quickly, while I was left to crumble to pieces. God has answered my prayers, as he did during my parents divorce. I can't say that I don't care about Dylan's dad, because I do care. I care that he has had no part in Dylan's life. I care that he could be so selfish to put his shitty, drunken music before his own flesh & blood. I care that he's so upset he has to pay child support, when he has had no responsibility in the past 4 years. I do not love him anymore. But I DO still care, for my baby's sake. It still hurts, on his behalf. BUT, as for myself - I deserve way better. Dylan does, too. But that is his biological father, whom he will always wonder about. I am so done with him, forever. Not just for me, but also for Dylan. There is someone out there who will be an amazing partner for me, & an amazing part of Dylan's life, who will treat both of us the way we deserve to be treated.
Madison & I continued to talk, when we got to my house, about our relationships with God. We both feel that emptiness inside of us. We pray & strive for a relationship with God that leaves us feeling content & on fire for Him. For whatever reason, it's just not happening. It's not so easy for everyone, I guess. But we just don't get it. We believe in God, we are saved, we are His. We desire a close, personal relationship with Him. We reach out to Him & recognize we cannot do this on our own. Why is it so much harder for some of us?

THE SLEEP

No sleep for the weak
It'll come when you ain't ready
Few and far between the days
Just shut the power off in my mind
What's that smell I can't get rid of?
Skin in my mouth, between my teeth
Shake up these muscles,
put me at ease
Breaths are coming sharp and shallow
I've got time to kill
I can only think of it negatively
Thank you for teaching that to me
I'm afraid I will die soon
Obsessive thoughts sway my brain,
and my heart beating
I could say that I want it,
but I know why I'm so scared
The wires were crossed,
now they're gnarled up so tight
I have my doubts things will ever get ironed out
I'm a menace, I'm sorry
I wish I had it in me to be on,
working for more than a few days at a time
I could be more gracious
I could be less resentful
Heavy memories weighing on me
Does anybody need some blame?
Not a tool that does any fixing
Trace and re-trace,
making flaws disappear
The ones that jump off the page,
and I can't stand to let it wait
My skin crawls every second they stare me down
The even-feeling blinks,
the pound of the counting
My cuts don't know how to mend right away
My lungs can't catch a breath, a break
I know how to sulk, to bitch
But I forget my pills,
and I take it lying down
The heavier it gets on top of me,
the easier it is to slide further down
Basic laws of gravity
These teeth get sore from the grinding,
such worry
I often look over my shoulder,
to see there's nothing there
But when there is,
I want to know what's coming,
and not be ill-prepared
The love that chases me can seem too big to be real
I'm a coward in my corner,
judging the things that try to make me happy
Only coming out of hiding,
when the loneliness overwhelms me
The inconsistancy's really unfair, undeserving
Give me your patience,
your understanding
I know who sticks around is hard to come by
The growl in my stomach can grow,
louder than my thoughts
Quiet the noise, feed the beast
Listen close for beats of positivity
The years are getting on,
my steps for change are merely inching
Every sense I have of myself moves me to apologize
Rushed words may slur what was intended
Deep thoughts tend to confuse,
and shut down the system
When my mind is blank,
the sleep can set in
And I dream that I now,
know myself again.

GUACAMOLE

Lime is becoming one of my most favorite things. It goes well on a wide variety of things, much like jalapeno juices. My taste buds have been sucking, causing me to add more seasonings to foods.
Ahem...

I cleaned the house like a mad woman yesterday, went grocery shopping, & made dinner for some friends. Drinking, smoking, & games ensued until 7 am. The house is a wreck all over again & I don't want to fix it this time ! My OCD will most likely be the motivating factor.

I have checked out, mentally, the past few weeks. I am missing my brain, fondly. And - I think a shower is in order.