CHCHCHANGE

I've lost 3 pounds in 1 day ? Awesome. I tried to start chewing nicorette yesterday, but it made me so sick. I'm gonna have to get a lesser dose, & after I'm done with the diet.
I do feel a little different.


I get to see Alex this weekend! Travelling 4 hours to get to him, for a day & a half. I can't wait.

LIFE GETS HARD

I have had very few hours of sleep since last weekend. I started the hcG diet & am hoping for good results! I don't think I'm obese or anything, but I do have my days when I feel fatter than I once was. : / It's also a big health concern. My main issue is cutting out the sugar.

Madison & I had a long talk tonight about pain. She is still hurting so badly over her ex boyfriend. She is searching for a reason he just left her. I have been there, it is the most heart shattering feeling. Throw in an innocent, amazing little baby who deserves no such abandonment, & that's where I was. Rejected, confused, depressed, angry. We women search for a reason; why would someone just dump us when we were prepared to give up our whole life for them? Did we never matter as we thought we did? Was it all lies? Did we do something wrong? What's wrong with me? What could I have done to make him stay? The bottom line - sometimes there is no reason. Life is unfair. People suck. What does not kill me can only make me stronger. It's so hard to give advice to an 18 year old girl, bawling her eyes/heart out to me. There are no words to make it better. I was there, I heard line after line from elders. Nothing but time, prayer, & distance can EVENTUALLY heal wounds. It's been 5 years & I am finally feeling no loving feelings for Dylan's dad. I prayed every night that God would just take my feelings for him away. I cried, begged. I didn't understand how he could just get over me & his son so quickly, while I was left to crumble to pieces. God has answered my prayers, as he did during my parents divorce. I can't say that I don't care about Dylan's dad, because I do care. I care that he has had no part in Dylan's life. I care that he could be so selfish to put his shitty, drunken music before his own flesh & blood. I care that he's so upset he has to pay child support, when he has had no responsibility in the past 4 years. I do not love him anymore. But I DO still care, for my baby's sake. It still hurts, on his behalf. BUT, as for myself - I deserve way better. Dylan does, too. But that is his biological father, whom he will always wonder about. I am so done with him, forever. Not just for me, but also for Dylan. There is someone out there who will be an amazing partner for me, & an amazing part of Dylan's life, who will treat both of us the way we deserve to be treated.
Madison & I continued to talk, when we got to my house, about our relationships with God. We both feel that emptiness inside of us. We pray & strive for a relationship with God that leaves us feeling content & on fire for Him. For whatever reason, it's just not happening. It's not so easy for everyone, I guess. But we just don't get it. We believe in God, we are saved, we are His. We desire a close, personal relationship with Him. We reach out to Him & recognize we cannot do this on our own. Why is it so much harder for some of us?

THE SLEEP

No sleep for the weak
It'll come when you ain't ready
Few and far between the days
Just shut the power off in my mind
What's that smell I can't get rid of?
Skin in my mouth, between my teeth
Shake up these muscles,
put me at ease
Breaths are coming sharp and shallow
I've got time to kill
I can only think of it negatively
Thank you for teaching that to me
I'm afraid I will die soon
Obsessive thoughts sway my brain,
and my heart beating
I could say that I want it,
but I know why I'm so scared
The wires were crossed,
now they're gnarled up so tight
I have my doubts things will ever get ironed out
I'm a menace, I'm sorry
I wish I had it in me to be on,
working for more than a few days at a time
I could be more gracious
I could be less resentful
Heavy memories weighing on me
Does anybody need some blame?
Not a tool that does any fixing
Trace and re-trace,
making flaws disappear
The ones that jump off the page,
and I can't stand to let it wait
My skin crawls every second they stare me down
The even-feeling blinks,
the pound of the counting
My cuts don't know how to mend right away
My lungs can't catch a breath, a break
I know how to sulk, to bitch
But I forget my pills,
and I take it lying down
The heavier it gets on top of me,
the easier it is to slide further down
Basic laws of gravity
These teeth get sore from the grinding,
such worry
I often look over my shoulder,
to see there's nothing there
But when there is,
I want to know what's coming,
and not be ill-prepared
The love that chases me can seem too big to be real
I'm a coward in my corner,
judging the things that try to make me happy
Only coming out of hiding,
when the loneliness overwhelms me
The inconsistancy's really unfair, undeserving
Give me your patience,
your understanding
I know who sticks around is hard to come by
The growl in my stomach can grow,
louder than my thoughts
Quiet the noise, feed the beast
Listen close for beats of positivity
The years are getting on,
my steps for change are merely inching
Every sense I have of myself moves me to apologize
Rushed words may slur what was intended
Deep thoughts tend to confuse,
and shut down the system
When my mind is blank,
the sleep can set in
And I dream that I now,
know myself again.

GUACAMOLE

Lime is becoming one of my most favorite things. It goes well on a wide variety of things, much like jalapeno juices. My taste buds have been sucking, causing me to add more seasonings to foods.
Ahem...

I cleaned the house like a mad woman yesterday, went grocery shopping, & made dinner for some friends. Drinking, smoking, & games ensued until 7 am. The house is a wreck all over again & I don't want to fix it this time ! My OCD will most likely be the motivating factor.

I have checked out, mentally, the past few weeks. I am missing my brain, fondly. And - I think a shower is in order.